They don’t speak about the space you are in between becoming who you are — healing from abuse and then having life happen to you while you watch from the outside.
It’s only been a year and it feels like it’s been decades — and I’ve just been living in it. Just now do i feel like i’m coming back out of it.
What is “it” exactly? It is Ctrl Alt Delete; to cancel an app or reboot a system. My life for the past year and a half has been carrying the theme of Ctrl Alt Delete. It’s like I’ve been living in this system and ALL the apps are the baggage I’ve been trying to close out or “cancel”. I just realized I have to reboot my system — entirely.
It’s been fucking weird. I completely lost myself — like not even on some like “I found myself again” — but like, everything I use to be I don’t even know who that is anymore. Like a rebirth maybe? Like shedding of all the skin I had, and now I am butter ball ass naked LOL
There really hasn’t been many continuation of days — just days continuing together to make one long ass day. I’m finding myself in the most rawest way, it scares me. I care about everything too much to be feel it be not enough. I’ve been afraid to feel. I’ve bee afraid of everything. I thought I never would become this person. Stuck.Feeling like I can’t take the step forward.
Every step forward feels like being frozen in a time you don’t want to exist it. It’s scary — fear is crippling — its ugly – it smells bad. It makes you want to hide from yourself, the world, everything. Fear and abuse go together — they go hand in hand — you can’t have one without the other. I’ve had so much fear in my system from a wolf in sheeps clothing I thought I was becoming fear. It ran through my pores — every-time i tried to Ctrl Alt Delete — it came back stronger. So now i’m just sitting here in it. Scared as hell — but within this space I’ve found what it was like to live again. But just being a completely different person. A person I no longer know so how can I fear it?